You never put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher! You always leave your dishes by the couch! You need to clean up after yourself!
These are all “you” sentences. Starting a sentence with “you” can make the listener feel defensive right off the bat. The listener is more likely to have their guard up and less likely to really listen to what the speaker has to say.
Instead of “you” sentences, try an “I” statement. Start the sentence with “I,” then explain how you are feeling and why you are feeling that way. For instance, “I feel anxious when there are dirty dishes around the house.” Then ask for what you need and ask if they would be willing to help. “I need the dishes to be put in the dishwasher when you are finished eating. Would you be willing to do that?”
Now, the dishes may not end up in the dishwasher every single time, but the conversation will be better received and your partner is more likely to think about your request the next time they are finished eating.
“I” statements can be used with more than just your partner. They can also be used with children, coworkers, friends and family. Try out an “I” statement today!
- Start with the word “I”
- Add what you are feeling, thinking, needing or wanting
- Explain why without criticizing or insulting
- Describe what you want or need in the future
- Ask, “Would you be willing to do that?”
“I” statements are just one of the things that is discussed in the co-parenting class, Living Apart Parenting Together, taught by Amy Mangan-Fischer, Human Development and Relationships Educator, and Kylee Ernst, Fond du Lac County Family Court Services Program Coordinator, and Family Court Counselor. In the class, co-parents also learn common reactions to divorce by children at different ages, how to keep children out of the middle, and the importance of communicating effectively with their co-parent.
All Fond du Lac County divorcing parents (with minor children) are required to attend this program. Parents may also voluntarily attend the program and may register by calling Family Court Services at (920) 929-3404. The class is offered once a month, typically on the second Thursday of the month.
